Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
> which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
> my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
> between his presenting the check and the arrival in
> my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
> of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
> entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has
> been in place for only eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief
> window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
> account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
> caused to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
> this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
> financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
> attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
> try to contact you, I am confronted by the
> impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless
> entity which your bank has become.
>
> >From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
> a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
> repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
> automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
> addressed personally and confidentially to an
> employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
> aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
> any other person to open or destroy such an
> envelope.
>
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status
> which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
> am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
> know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> about me, there is no alternative.
>
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical
> history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
> and the mandatory details of his/her financial
> situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
> must be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
> number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
> but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> button presses required of me to access my account
> balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> flattery. Let me level the playing field even
> further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
>
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
>
> 2. To query a missing payment.
>
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
> am there.
>
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
> sleeping.
>
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
> attending to nature.
>
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
> not at home.
>
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
> access my computer is required. Password will be
> communicated to you at a later date to the
> Authorized Contact.
>
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
> options 1 through 7
>
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
> contact will then be put on hold, pending the
> attention of my automated answering service.
>
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
> uplifting music will play for the duration of the
> call.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I
> must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
> setting up of this new arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
> prosperous New Year.
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman.
> Pretty clever person.)
>
Have a "luv"ly day.
just me!
