Texas Chili Cook Off! - Thinkin' of Tammy.... hehe...

Texas Chili Cook Off!

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey ...

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
~Chili~ # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy COW!, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~Chili~ # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

~Chili~ # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk.

~Chili~ # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

~Chili~ # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

~Chili~ # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!

~Chili~ # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

~Chili~ # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

9 Things I Hate About Everyone - from one of the music groups i belong too.... hehe..

9 Pet Peeves:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their as**s!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short." What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dum***s?

THIS IS REQUIRED LISTENING... IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A TELEMARKER CALL YOU...

Listen to this all the way thru... it is not a video but thinks it is so it could be posted here.. hehe..

enjoy.... Tom Mabe and the Telemarker....

He is a DJ and he keeps a recorder by his phone so when the telemarker call.... well, you get the idea.. this is listening only, not video....

song by patty griffin - texas songwriter... she is a great writer having songs recorded by many many artists...

Nobody's Crying

Well he jumps in the taxi for the sky
He's off to slay some demon dragonfly
And he looks at me that long last time
Turns away again and I waved goodbye
In an envelope inside his coat
Is a chain I wore around my throat
Along with a note I wrote
Said I love you but I don't even know why

But darling I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
I just had this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying

Well a long night turns into a couple long years
Of me walking around and round this trail of tears
Where the very loud voices of my own fear
Ringing and ringing in my ear
It says that love is long gone
Every move I make is all wrong
Says you never gave a damn for me
Or anything or anyone

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
I just had this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying

May you dream you are dreaming in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sounds of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
I'll still have this secret hope
Sometimes all I do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying
Nobody's crying
Nobody's crying