Laura Ingraham, Pirate Advocate

The nationally syndicated talk show host Laura Ingraham is waiting for the United States to issue an apology to the Somali pirates.

"It's just a matter of time before we announce an interagency report on reparations for the pirates," she told Imus. "The stereotyping of pirates throughout American history has been very negative and deleterious! We need to do something!"

Imus was awed by the sheer stupidity of the pirates, who he prefers to call Bob, Larry, and Squiggy, just for the hell of it.

"So they shot Bob through the window of the boat," Imus explained. "But the other two morons stick their heads up simultaneously, and the Navy Seals blow them off!"

Ingraham pointed out that these pirates were not exactly Mensa members. Yet, the one captured pirate will certainly be treated well upon arrival to the U.S., where he's likely to be tried.

"He will get culturally appropriate meals, he will get an appointed lawyer paid for by us," Ingraham said. "The question is, will it be Dershowitz or Gerry Spence?"

Ingraham then shared with Imus the tactics employed by President Obama's team during his surprise trip to Iraq last week.

"They passed out instant cameras to the troops to make it appear as if there was even more enthusiasm and excitement to snap photos with the President than there was!" said Ingraham. "They went soldier to soldier to ask who had voted for OBama, and those who raised their hands were shuffled to the front of the receiving line."

She acknowledged Imus's point that Bush had done exactly the same thing. "What I'm saying is, this is change you can believe in!" she joked.

As if Ingraham, a devout Catholic, needed any further proof there is a God, Imus observed the Meghan McCain, daughter of Sen. John McCain, had recently nabbed a six-figure book deal.

"She has a very interesting perspective on tattoo selection, which I find to be a page turner," Ingraham said. "She became a Republican last June!"

Calling her turn to Catholicism "the best thing I ever did next to getting my daughter," Ingraham pointed out the sheer lunacy of Caroline Kennedy, who is ardently pro-choice, jockeying for the position of Vatican Ambassador.

"You know, she was living a pretty good life being a book editor," Imus said about Kennedy. "And now she has turned herself into a loser!"

-Julie Kanfer